Thursday, June 9, 2011

Moving on ...

Sometimes all your regrets catch up with you, for me usually after a bad day at work and yesterdays was especially depressing. I realised the magnitude of my imagined failure and went on downhill trip of self-pity and regret.

Even the little things, dropping out of swimming when I was at school to refusing to study towards a degree because I didn’t have the time.  I was my own worst enemy.

But in truth some of those failures were inevitable. After school I didn’t have the luxury of traveling or studying, my parents divorced after a very sickening discovery, by myself, my mom lost the plot went to live somewhere else and went into hiding and my dad did what he always does and fucked off overseas for two years. So my brother and I lived alone in a big empty house. At the time my brother was seventeen.

So essentially I became his mother. I cooked, I cleaned, I drove him to school (without a license), I helped him with homework, motivated him to excel and we took care of each other. It was the most emotionally draining and mentally fucking time of my life.

I missed out on the partying, the traveling, the wild abandon that my friends so enjoyed. I was a nineteen year old surrogate mother having a nervous breakdown. All my dreams were fucked, I didn’t go to Rhodes, I didn’t travel to Italy and Paris and Greece like I dreamed of. I stopped writing, listening to music and painting. I gave up on myself.

And now almost five years later I’m paying for it dearly. And I’m scared shitless. Is it too late for me to study for a degree?

Ultimately I want to work in magazines; I am positively obsessed with them. For now I have to catch up on all the experiences I missed out on and organise my life before I get there. I struggle to motivate myself, I don’t have the confidence and the care-free attitude I once did.

But when I find it, you know I’m going to conquer my dreams. Don’t let life’s troubles hold you back like I did. Right now it’s time to let go of my regrets. Am going to make a list and accomplish all that I let pass me by. 

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