Friday, May 25, 2012

The Surf Widow Diaries


I wrote this story and sent it to Pierre from Wavescape. I hope you Dolls like it, let me know what you think in the comment section below. Many thanks to Spike and Pierre of Wavescape. You can read the story on Wavescape.


Surfer’s whether they surf body boards or surf boards are hot. Let’s face it who wouldn’t want to date a dude who’s ripped but not in a siff-body-builder way but with lithe long muscles and strong abs and sexy hair who spends 80% of their life time with no shirt on… I’m getting a bit carried away here!
I have been a surfer’s girlfriend for close to 7 years now. This is no small feat and I owe it to my parents for teaching me the way of the ocean. My mother was a surfer’s wife for no less than 21 years, excluding being a surfer’s girlfriend for 5 years before that.
It’s a way of life, let me tell you.

When I met Ian, I made friends with all his friends and then their girlfriends who were a rare breed of female. My two favourites are both named Kelly and as we were all new girlfriends we learnt the ropes of being a surfer’s girlfriend together.

What I have learnt over the years about being a surfer’s girlfriend;
There are days when there will be no swell, meaning no waves meaning a very irritable boyfriend. Surfers are like addicts, they need their fix, if the government knew how addictive surfing is they would have outlawed it by now.

What to do when your Surfer BF is irritable due to lack of waves:
  1. Throw him in the pool and make waves with a body board and then let him ride them.
  2. Have sex with him, till he is so exhausted all he can do is sleep.
  3. Keep him away from all surf forecasts, surf blogs/websites/DVD’s as this will make him further depressed.
  4. Take a road trip to a spot where there are waves.
You will always come second to the ocean, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that you don’t mean as much to him, the waves are a part of him and if you love him enough you’ll let him do what he loves.

What to do when you feel left out.
  1. Learn to surf.
  2. Go along on his surf missions and take a HUGE novel.
  3. Tan on the beach in a skimpy bikini and everytime he looks out to you on the beach , flash him. This will remind him to come out of the water to ravage you.
Surfer’s come with A LOT of baggage. This means gear; from boards, to wetsuits, hoodies, fins, booties, leashes and skegs etc.

How to make space for their gear in your home:
  1. Stuff it in a corner and try to ignore it.
  2. Make space for all surf gear and explain to him that’s where it will be.
  3. Get a two bedroomed flat and make the extra room a place for him to store his stuff.
It’s inevitable that wherever your surfer goes, sand comes along too. There will be sand all over your Persian carpets, sand in your bed, sand in the shower, sand in shoes, sandy towels, basically a lot of sand.

How to deal with sand:
  1. Become accustomed to a vacuum. These handy appliances suck up the unwanted sand. Very helpful.
  2. Hose down boyfriend before entering apartment.
All holidays whether they are local or international trips will involve surfing. Now would be the time to give up any dreams of ever travelling Europe, walking the streets of Paris, drinking fine wine in Sicily or swimming in the crystal waters of Greece. If there are no waves there, you will not be going there. From this day forth you will be required to visit remote but beautiful places that include the sport of surfing.

Where you WILL be able to travel to:
  • Indonesia – Bali & Sumatra
  • Spain – Canary Islands
  • South Africa – Just about everywhere
  • Australia – Also just about everywhere
  • And of course Hawaii
What to pack:
In all these places you will be hot so pack only bikini’s, shorts, slipslops and little summer dresses. Expect to spend a lot of time tanning (not a bad thing), reading and getting lost on the way to secret spots. I was once stuck in Medewi in Bali with no food, no water and no company for 8 straight hours. Rough times.

To date a surfer, you will need to have the patience of saint. You will spend hours, days even waiting for them to make up their minds about where they want to surf, when they want to surf, waiting for low tide, high tide, the tide to change, the wind to swing, swell period, it goes on.

How to deal with this;
  1. Pack CD’s and listens to them.
  2. Paint your nails; in fact give yourself and entire manicure and pedi.
  3. Again, read a book.
  4. Catch up on your emails.
  5. Learn to smoke, it helps pass the time.
  6. The best is to amp them up so that the paddle out.

Things you need to know when you boyfriend has entered a surf contest:
NB: Do not have sex before or during the contest. EVER. (If you want him to win.)
  1. Bring bloody warm clothes if you plan on cheering him on (on the beach) because the best swell in SA is always during winter. You will be cold, you will get rained on.
Surfer’s watch surfing DVD’s, some of them are rad, like the ‘No Friends’ series, others are kak boring.
  1. Watch them anyway.
  2. Get to know all the pro’s names.
  3. Learn the terminology so you don’t blurt out things like “oh look he did another twirley wirly thing”. That is known as a ‘spin’. Make an effort.
The funny thing is once you get into it, you’ll really enjoy them and your mind won’t wonder about what’s happening on Keeping up with the Kardashians. Also body boarding DVD’s have the best sound tracks.

Lastly:

Being a surfer’s girlfriend is awesome. If you’re one of those chicks who doesn’t like getting their hair wet on the beach or comes to the beach with make-up on or god forbid, heels please bugger right off. Only chicks up for an adventure of a lifetime, who have a healthy dose of patience and an excellent sense of humour need apply, because once you’re a surfer’s girlfriend you’re always one of the crew.

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