Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Neighbours are like assholes, everyone has one.

If you don’t like swear words, don’t read this. Also if you’re generally just a weak minded individual who never has mean thoughts, get off here now.

Since I moved out of home a bajillion years ago I have been followed around by cunty neighbours.
Until this last move I thought my bad-neighbour luck was over, that the people who lived above me were nice, law abiding, NORMAL citizens but no, everyone in this god forsaken building is fucking certifiable crazy.

So herewith is a list of the types of asshole neighbours one has come into contact with;
1.      You know how you think your children are cute and are your reason for living? Well they’re the reason why I often seriously contemplate suicide as a way of getting some fucking rest. Your children are the devil’s motherfucking spawn! When they scream and ‘play’ (read: wreak havoc), I imagine all the ways to kill them. Make them shut up or you’ll find their little limbs on pikes one day.

2.      Even worse than screaming children are screaming parents. Two months ago I moved out of a flat that shared a bedroom wall with this lunatic female (who I liked to compare to Hitler’s mother), who was clearly the world’s worst mom. Her children are so afraid of her they just avoid coming home from school. She screams at her 12 month old baby like it’s a useless dog, “What are you fucking doing? FUCKING PUT THAT DOWN! LUCIEN! AAARGH!”, It’s hard-core you guys. Don’t have kids if you can’t handle them.

3.      People who wear high heels between the hours of 6am – 8am should have their fucking toes cut off. Your stupid obsession with Barbie long legs is keeping me from getting actual sleep also the clip clap your heels make is not cute, it’s making me think you’re some fucktard blonde bimbo who wears heels at 6 in the morning. WHO EVEN DOES THAT? (This also goes for bitches who don’t remove their heels when they walk down the passage at night. Cunts.)

4.      Dear Gay People, why do you fight ALL THE FUCKING TIME? I have neighbours who are homosexual alcoholics, whose fights can be terribly entertaining; flying crutches, black and white movies listened to at full blast, disco tunes blaring while they scream awful things at each other; “You’re SO fat!”, NO! You’re so fat!” (I’m not even making this shit up) I can’t, I just cant.

5.      The worst kind of neighbours are the last two; these people think they are just the greatest! ”We like so totally want to be your BFF’s! Hey come upstairs and have a drink with us, my husband will stare at your boobs every time we see you and I’ll wince nervously at his indecency AND THEN we’ll keep you awake at night with our squeaky sex life.

6.      Neighbours who have the worst fucking imaginable taste in music. Here are shite music genres, and people, I don’t care, I don’t fucking care if you LOVE Beyonce. Her voice is a fucking nightmare to listen to when you’re trying to fall asleep;
  • ·        Hip Hop
  • ·        R’nB
  • ·        Fucking trance and other beeping, robot fucking noises. It’s all shit, it’s all vile and evil and technologically mind fucking us and yourselves into zombies.
  • ·        Afrikaans music. This is not racist but it should seriously be outlawed, it’s like the apartheid of music. Awkward and wrong, just wrong.

Here’s the lesson; if you think you’re a shit noisy, inconsiderate, crazy neighbour then you are and everyone in the block probably hates your fucking guts and they’re all secretly meeting with the body corporate to have you kicked out.

So stop that shit now! Get a fucking house or something but not next door to me!

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