Friday, April 12, 2013

The Vagination Diaries: Contraception

I went to the gynae recently which was majorly awkward for me and my vagina. You see, I’ve been going to the same woman gynaecologist since I was sixteen until one day she just up and left her practice leaving me and my vag to fend for ourselves. Until I made an appointment with a new gynae, obviously she doesn’t know me from a bar of soap and the woman is staring deep into the depths of my vagination and asking me questions about my sexual practices. Totes awks doll.

First she asked me if I was on the Pill. “Yes”, I’m on the Pill”. Next question … “Do you smoke.” I answer, “Yes, I smoke.”

And then, a long lecture about how it’s really bad for you to smoke and be on the Pill. Now riddle me this, ladies, how many of your friends smoke AND are on the Pill? Loads right? So what the actual fuck are female smokers supposed to use contraception wise?

When I was sixteen I decided that I was far too horny not to be on some form of contraception. I wasn’t having sex then but I wasn’t far from doing it. So I told my mom that for my own good I needed to be on the Pill. My mom, being the awesome and realistic woman that she is, didn’t freak out; she just dropped me at the doc after school, paid for my prescription and wept in the parking lot.

That gynae, my gynae, sold me “the patch’. Ever heard of it? It’s a sticky little plaster that you place somewhere on your bod once a week and it secretes it’s hormones into your skin and presto you’re protected. That worked for a good couple years till I became allergic to it and was eventually prescribed Yasmin.

I’ve been on the Pill since I was 18 and I’ve been smoking everyday since I was sixteen so I for sure have cancer. Because that’s what the doc says. Smoking + Yasmin = Death.

So now due to the fact that I have no intention of quitting smoking (I am so far gone) or dying prematurely riddled with cancer, I have to find a new way to have sex but not breed little screaming, shit making monsters (children are not my thing right now).

So I did some research.
Herewith are the choices we have;

·         Condoms (boring, sticky situations.)

·         The Implant – Placed in your ARM. UNDER THE SKIN. Releases hormones. Lasts 3 years. (Can’t smoke.)

·         The injection –lasts 12 weeks. My uncle’s girlfriend got knocked up THREE times on the injection – can you say ineffective? (Can’t smoke.)

·         Diaphragms - a cap inserted into the vag – gross

·         Vaginal Ring – YOU have to insert this yourself every three weeks. How do you get it out after 3 weeks? (Also not suitable for smokers)

·         Sterilisation – Too permanent. I might change my mind about those little monsters.

·         Coil – A small COPPER coil (yes, fucking copper) inserted by a doctor and can stay up there for 10 years.

·         The Patch – Been there, done that. (Can’t smoke with this either.)

And besides just knowing that hormones + cigarettes cause cancer,did you know that the Pill affects who we are attracted to. So what if I go off the Pill and onto one of the very few choices I have above and BAM! I am not attracted to my boyfriend of 7 years anymore. That’s just wack. The study says that women who are on the Pill choose less masculine dudes. *Looks sideways at boyfriend* and therefore produce weak children with shitty genes. I’ve got problems ya’ll.

Frankly it’s about time dudes took up using the male Pill. We already have to deal with enough complicated mess in the vaginal department on a freaking daily basis anyway. Do you guys realise just how much upkeep having a vag is?

Vag’s are expensive;

·         Tampons (expensive balls of cotton wool) about R27 a box.

·         Waxing (expensive fucking hot wax poured on and ripped off your unsuspecting vag at least once a month) about R120.00 a session.

·         Toilet paper (only 2 ply because otherwise you get these tiny little balls of soggy paper stuck in your vag) R45.00

·         PMS (spending hard earned cash on chocolate and later more cash on gym to counteract your expanding ass from all the PMS chocolate – it’s a vicious circle)

·         The Pill (tiny pink pills that cost a whopping R250.00 a month, that regularly forget to be taken.)

Seriously though, what do you dolls do in this department? I need sisterly advice. Leave me comments. xxx
Side Note: I realise that smoking (full stop) leads to cancer. Don’t judge me

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